You still love him, but you don’t feel close to him. Perhaps your lives are busy with kids, activities and work. You might feel like you’ve lost the connection you initially had. You’ve reached a point in your relationship where you realize that you no longer know his thoughts and feelings, and you are quite sure he doesn’t know yours. Recognizing this is an important breakthrough that can mark a significant turning point in your relationship, providing an opportunity for new patterns and greater emotional intimacy.
You Still Love Each Other But….
If someone were to ask if you loved your husband, you would say yes without hesitation. At the same time you may be experiencing the following:
- Loneliness
- Frustration
- Disappointment
- Sadness
- Fear
- Anger
You might feel all of these things or some combination of them at various times and be unsure about what to do. Even when your husband is at home with you, you are lonely.. You try to act normal but inside you are in turmoil and can’t stop thinking about the state of your relationship. You might find yourself distracted and unable to engage fully in the present moment.. When the person you have committed your life to no longer feels like your best friend, you wonder what will happen.
How Emotional Disconnection Begins
It is usually a slow drift that happens over time without one defining moment. It can start with missed bids for attention, missed attempts to be affectionate. Maybe your husband tries to talk to you after a stressful day at work, but you are busy helping your son with homework and dismiss him. Or you ask him if he wants to go for a morning walk, but he says he wants to watch the game. These moments are missed bids for attention and affection, and over time they can pile up. What happens is that partners stop making bids, and the disconnection has begun.
Signs You’re Growing Apart
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Conversations feel surface-level or transactional
You still talk but it’s about who’s picking up the kids, cooking dinner, logistics. It’s not exactly awkward but more like living with a roommate than a partner. Your interactions become transactional, focused on all of the things around you but not your relationship or even one another. When you try to talk to him, your ‘How was your day? ‘is met with ‘Fine’.
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You feel unseen, unheard, or emotionally alone
This is one of the most common and painful signs that the bond of emotional connection has weakened. Partners often describe a sense of living parallel lives rather than sharing a connected one. Partners begin to feel invisible to each other, and the relationship starts to lose its sense of warmth and safety.
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Conflict increases — or you avoid it altogether
Neither of you are getting your emotional needs met, so you may be more critical and perceive questions as attacks and become defensive. You might pick fights over the little things- maybe because you want to express your frustration, anger, and hurt but don’t know how to. Or maybe you avoid conflict altogether resigned to the idea that it’s not worth it.
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Physical affection and intimacy decrease
There has probably been a subtle decrease in physical affection over time that you may have not even noticed. When before you may have cuddled on the couch watching a show together, you now sit separately on your own devices. The playful kiss or pat on the butt are no longer. There is little physical intimacy between you and your husband. Maybe he tries to initiate sex, and you pull away because you feel lonely and disconnected, but you don’t talk about it. He gets upset and pulls away, and you feel more alone. He initiates sex less often, and you also don’t initiate because of the distance you feel.
What Does It Mean
It is easy to catastrophize when this dynamic is at play. Here are some things you may be thinking:
- Something’s wrong with me
- He’s not attracted to me anymore
- He doesn’t love me anymore
- Our relationship is over
What It Actually Means
There is a lack of emotional connection. Emotional connection is the experience of closeness created and maintained through loving interaction. Even when love is present, two people can drift apart without emotional connection. Emotional connection is maintained through positive, everyday exchanges.
When you don’t have these exchanges, you are more likely to see the negative in the relationship and in your partner. You may become critical of your partner and get defensive when they raise any issues. Trust and commitment start to break down. Negative dynamics start becoming the norm, and because you have lost some trust, it is harder to be open and vulnerable.
Why Disconnection Happens in Long Term Relationships
This chain of events highlights how damaging a lack of emotional connection can be to your relationship. Because when you feel upset, alone, unhappy, you will turn towards other people in your life to connect with. You might start complaining to your friends about your husband. You might look to social media for ‘people who understand.’ The problem with both of these actions is that you are further undermining your relationship. You want to feel understood and heard, so you find someone else who can fulfill that.
Here are some causes of disconnection:
- Stress
- Not prioritizing the relationship/shift in priorities
- Focus on the kids and parenting
- Outside pressures – work, financial, etc
- Conflict avoidance
- Fear of vulnerability
Negativity Bias
You start noticing his annoying habits that never bothered you before. He never seems to help with household chores, and you start feeling resentment. Our brains are wired to notice the negative in the environment. It is a primal response to ‘keep us safe from threats.’ So perhaps your husband comments about not liking the dinner you cooked even though every other night he has complimented your cooking. What do you dwell on? The one negative comment.
