What could be worse than knowing that your husband loves someone else when he should be devoted to you and only you?
This should not be happening. It’s so wrong!
It’s a terrible, rejecting feeling to know he finds someone else so alluring that he’s willing to put everything he has with you at risk.
I mean, is she prettier than you? Or younger than you? What is it about her that’s worth wrecking your marriage and hurting you to the core?
He is your husband, and him loving someone else is not part of the agreement you made. So it’s hurtful and disappointing. The time, attention, and affection he’s giving her is taking away from the time, attention, and affection he should be giving you.
Here are 3 ways to alleviate the pain you’re in but to put the situation right again, and put your family right again too.
#1. Be the Best Moper
You’re experiencing a painful shock, and it makes sense that you have big feelings about it.
It’s only human to feel anger, hurt and sadness right now. When I’m going through something big like that, it helps a lot to give myself the time and space to let those feelings arise in me and naturally subside.
So commit to moping, and don’t let anyone out-mope you. There’s so much relief in letting those feelings have their day in the sun where they can arise and naturally subside. All humans need that!
Just consider doing your crying with supportive people who aren’t your husband
I know you might like to punish him right now, and I can see why you feel that way. I’m not saying what he’s doing is right or okay.
But you and your husband are bound together in so many ways, and as far as I know, there’s no way to punish him without punishing yourself. Bringing more pain on yourself is the last thing you need right now while you’re feeling so fragile.
#2. Stop Giving Her Oxygen
Trying to piece together the ins and outs of his conversations with the woman he’s in love with may feel like self-protection. Trying to find out if they’ve crossed the line seems like it will keep you safe.
But what if your focus on the woman he’s in love with is making her presence in your lives bigger, not smaller?
You’d probably love to get her out of your lives completely. Ideally, your husband would block her and tell her he’s done, done, done, and to never contact him again!
Hopefully, she just leaves the country and your husband forgets about her for good. That’s your most-wanted outcome, right?
One way you can contribute to that outcome (which we see our students getting all the time around here), is for YOU to stop giving her your time and attention.
What if you stopped thinking about her, talking about her, checking to see what he texted her, or looking at her social media? What if you acted like she didn’t exist?
I’m a firm believer that what you focus on increases, so if you choose your focus carefully, maybe by distracting yourself with other things that you would rather think about, she would shrink.
Down to nothing.
It’s counterintuitive, I know, but this is something we hear from so many students who have been in your heartwrenching situation and come through on the other side with their dignity, their families, and their self-confidence stronger than ever.
#3. Be the Girl He Fell in Love with Who Was Fun and Light
Yes, I’m calling you a girl, even though you’re well over 12 years old. But every woman has that just-wanna-have-fun-girl inside her, and that is who your man fell in love with.
Therefore, (and this may seem like the worst idea you’ve ever heard) what if you responded to the heartbreak you’re feeling now by deciding to have as much frivolous fun as you could?
What if you took up salsa dancing and karaoke and went to a hot spring with your friends to have a really fun time?
Sounds crazy, I know.
But for me, the crisis in my marriage was partly caused by my lack of diligence in having a good time. I was focused on being miserable and sad and complaining every chance I got.
So much of my suffering was because I wouldn’t let myself do the things that I was drawn to for frivolous fun. I wouldn’t let myself spend the money, take the time off, or leave the laundry for later while I lingered over my tea, relaxed in the sun, or chatted with my friends.
So I was unhappy. And unpleasable. Which was unattractive. Which contributed to a painful breakdown in my marriage that didn’t get better until I started lingering over my cup of tea, relaxing in the sun, playing volleyball and chatting with my friends. That’s when things started to get a lot better at my house.
Which is why I’m a huge fan of frivolous self-care to this day.
You might think that has nothing to do with your situation and won’t help you solve the heartache you’re feeling with your husband being in love with someone else.
Also, you might be busy moping today. And possibly tomorrow. That’s understandable.
But consider doing an experiment where you go out of your way to make yourself happy, whatever that looks like for you. And let’s see what happens. March yourself out for a walk and a podcast you love, crack up at a comedy on the couch, or get started on the creative project you haven’t had time for until now.
Some women self-care themselves from a breakdown of infidelity to feeling desired, taken care of, and special again with that same husband. So much so that I think of it as the breakdown before the breakthrough.
If they can do it, then why not you too?
Then you can be a guest on The Empowered Wife Podcast and share about how you did it while we do our happy dance together to celebrate your incredible accomplishment.
What will you do today to alleviate the pain and put your situation right again? I would love to hear in the comments.
By Laura Doyle
