When relationship problems pile up—the same arguments on repeat, the growing distance, the exhaustion of trying—it’s natural to wonder if breaking up might be easier than breaking through. But here’s what many couples don’t realize: most relationship problems aren’t actually relationship-enders. They’re relationship-growers, waiting for the right approach.
Recent statistics suggest that while the divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 40-50%, couples who seek help and learn new skills have a 70% chance of significantly improving their relationship. The difference isn’t in the problems they face—it’s in how they address them.
The truth is, every relationship hits rough patches. Some couples use these moments as exit ramps. Others use them as on-ramps to deepen their connection. The key lies in understanding which problems are solvable (most aren’t), which might signal fundamental incompatibilities and which need deeper understanding to bridge the gap.
The 6-Step Relationship Repair Process
Step 1: Create a Safe Space for Discussion
The first step in solving any relationship problem isn’t diving into the issue itself—it’s creating the conditions where real conversation can happen.
Here’s how to create that safe space:
Choose your timing wisely. It’s best planned when you are rested and distraction-free to give the focus and attention you and your partner deserve. It is more difficult when you try to tackle an important topic after a long, stressful day at work, trying to make dinner for your family, or feeling upset about something else.
Establish ground rules together. Ground rules provide structure and establish shared rules of engagement. Common rules are: no interrupting, no name-calling, no bringing up past grievances, and taking breaks when emotions get too intense. A good rule for all couples is: if either person feels overwhelmed, they can call for a 20-minute timeout, no questions asked. But they must return to the conversation after the break.
Put away distractions. Distractions—whether it’s the ping of a phone, a child’s interruption, or background noise from the TV—pull our attention away and make it much harder to stay present and truly hear each other during important conversations.
Practice emotional regulation. Before starting an important conversation, practicing self-regulation—like taking three deep breaths—can calm the nervous system and help you approach the discussion with intention rather than reactivity.
Step 2: Practice Active Listening
This is where most couples get stuck. We think we’re listening, but we’re actually just waiting for our turn to talk, mentally preparing our defense, or getting triggered by what we think we heard.
Real listening—what therapists call active listening—is different. It’s about truly receiving your partner’s experience, even when it’s hard to hear.
Reflective listening means repeating back what your partner said, indicating that you heard them: “So what I’m hearing is that when I check my phone during dinner, you feel unimportant because it seems like I’m not interested in your day. Is that right?” This isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing —it’s about making sure your partner feels understood.
Stay curious, not defensive. When your partner shares something that stings, resist the urge to explain or justify. Instead, ask questions: “Can you help me understand what that feels like for you?” or “What would be most helpful from me in those moments?”
Validate emotions without agreeing on facts. You can say, “I can see how frustrated you are about this” without saying “You’re right to be frustrated.” Validation acknowledges their emotional experience as real and important, which is often what people need most.
The goal of active listening is to understand your partner so they feel seen and heard – which makes for a strong foundation towards repair and compromise.
Step 3: Identify Underlying Needs
Here’s where relationship repair gets interesting. Most arguments aren’t really about what they seem to be about. The fight about dishes isn’t about dishes—it’s about feeling valued. The tension about social plans isn’t about the plans—it’s about autonomy or connection.
Some common underlying needs in relationships include:
- Security and safety (emotional and physical)
- Appreciation and recognition
- Autonomy and independence
- Connection and intimacy
- Respect and consideration
- Shared purpose and meaning
Ask deeper questions: Understanding each other’s underlying wants and needs often starts with curiosity—and one powerful way to get there is by asking deeper, more thoughtful questions.”What would make you feel most supported right now?” “What’s most important to you about this situation?” “What are you afraid might happen if we don’t address this?”
When you can identify the real needs underneath the surface conflict, the conversation has a greater likelihood to continue as friends wanting to work together towards compromise rather than being on opposing sides trying to fight to win.
Step 4: Generate Solutions Together
Now comes the creative part. Because each of you feels heard and understood,, you’re going to brainstorm together and figure out possible solutions. This is what we call compromise.
Start with wild ideas. Brainstorming without judgment creates a safe space for creativity and collaboration, allowing ideas to flow freely without fear of being dismissed or criticized.Don’t judge or dismiss anything initially – the point is to think of every imaginative solution that is possible.
Look for win-win solutions. The best solutions don’t require one person to sacrifice for the other—they meet both people’s core needs. As you talk about the solutions, which ones overlap in meaning, goals, or values?
Make agreements specific and actionable. Making plans that are actionable and specific helps turn good intentions into real progress by providing clear steps and reducing confusion or miscommunication. Instead of “We’ll communicate better,” try “We’ll check in with each other for 10 minutes every evening after dinner, with our phones put away, and ask ‘How are you feeling about us today?’”
Build in flexibility. Even the best-intended plans need room to shift, because you, your partner, and your circumstances will naturally grow and evolve over time.You can revisit agreements monthly to see what was working and what needed adjustment.
Remember, the goal isn’t to solve everything perfectly -It’s to create temporary and workable solutions you can both live with while you keep growing together.
Step 5: Address Patterns, Not Just Problems
Here’s what many couples miss: if you only solve the surface problem without addressing the underlying pattern, you’ll keep having the same fight in different forms.
Identify your pattern. Most couples get stuck in predictable patterns. Maybe it goes like this: One person brings up a concern, the other gets defensive, the first person pushes harder, the second person withdraws, and both end up feeling disconnected and misunderstood.
Interrupt the pattern. Once you can see your cycle, you can interrupt it. This might mean taking a break when you notice the pattern starting, or having a code word that means “I think we’re in our pattern right now.”
Replace old habits with new ones. Instead of just stopping negative patterns, create positive ones. Maybe it’s a daily gratitude practice where you each share one thing you appreciated about the other that day. Or a weekly check-in where you talk about how you’re feeling about the relationship.
Address underlying triggers. Sometimes patterns are driven by past experiences or trauma. If one partner’s need for constant reassurance stems from childhood abandonment, or if someone’s conflict avoidance comes from growing up in a chaotic home, these deeper issues may need individual attention alongside your couple’s work.
The beautiful thing about addressing patterns is that when you change one pattern, it often creates positive ripple effects throughout your relationship.
Step 6: Follow Through and Evaluate
You’ve had the conversation, identified needs, and created solutions. Now comes the part that separates couples who transform their relationships from couples who just have good talks. Following through with regular check-ins to reevaluate and adjust is essential for couples, as it keeps communication open, strengthens accountability, and ensures both partners stay aligned as life changes.
Schedule regular check-ins. Don’t wait for problems to resurface. Build in weekly or bi-weekly relationship meetings where you can assess how your agreements are working. These don’t have to be heavy—they can be as simple as “How are we doing with our new bedtime routine?” or “How did you feel about our communication this week?”
Expect imperfection. You’re going to slip back into old patterns sometimes. That’s not failure—that’s being human. The key is catching it quickly and getting back on track without shame or blame.
Celebrate small wins. When you have a difficult conversation without it turning into a fight, acknowledge it. When you successfully use a new communication tool, celebrate it. These small moments of progress are what build lasting change.
Adjust as needed. What works in winter might not work in summer. What works when you’re both less stressed might not work during busy periods. Stay flexible and keep refining your approach.
Red Flags: When to Consider Ending the Relationship
You may have tried the steps, yet, some situations require serious consideration about whether the relationship is healthy to continue. It’s important to recognize these red flags so that you can make informed decisions about the future of your relationship. Your safety and well-being is critical to being in a healthy relationship
Any form of abuse—emotional, physical, or financial—is a non-negotiable reason to seek help and consider leaving. Abuse isn’t a relationship problem to solve together; it’s a serious safety issue. If you’re experiencing abuse, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org for resources and support.
Addiction issues without commitment to recovery can be devastating to relationships. If your partner struggles with addiction but refuses to acknowledge the problem or seek help, you may need to prioritize your own well-being and safety. This doesn’t mean you don’t love them—it means you can’t save them.
Fundamental incompatibilities in core life values or goals sometimes can’t be compromised away. If one person desperately wants children and the other is certain they don’t, if one person’s faith is central to their identity and the other is hostile to religion, if one person wants to travel the world and the other needs roots—these differences might be too significant to bridge.
Consistent patterns of disrespect or contempt erode the foundation of any relationship. If your partner regularly dismisses your feelings, mocks your concerns, or treats you with disdain, and shows no genuine interest in changing these patterns, the relationship may not be salvageable.
Repeated infidelity without genuine remorse or commitment to change can indicate deeper issues that may be beyond repair. While some couples do recover from infidelity, it requires complete honesty, genuine remorse, and often professional help.
Building a Stronger Relationship
Relationship problems aren’t evidence that you’re incompatible or that your love isn’t strong enough. They’re invitations to grow, individually and together.
Every couple that has built a lasting, deeply connected relationship has faced moments when breaking up seemed easier than breaking through. The difference between couples who thrive and couples who barely survive isn’t in the absence of problems—it’s in how they approach those problems.
When you learn to create safety in difficult conversations, when you practice truly listening to each other, when you can identify and address underlying needs, when you work together to find solutions, when you interrupt negative patterns and build positive ones, when you follow through on your commitments to each other—you’re not just solving problems. You’re building intimacy.
Reviewed by: Dr. Faith Drew, PhD, LMFT
Dr. Faith Drew is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arizona, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas with two decades of experience. She is a Certified Gottman Therapist and Consultant, and co-owner of Connect Couples Therapy, a specialized couples and relationship practice with locations in Charlotte, NC and Carefree, AZ, as well as In Session Psych, which supports individuals through trauma-informed care. Alongside her husband of 22 years and fellow Certified Gottman Therapist, Dr. George Bitar, she co-presents The Art and Science of Love workshop and helps lead Gottman Method webinars. Based out of the Carefree, AZ office, Dr. Drew offers couples intensives and ongoing therapy to help couples strengthen, repair, and grow their relationships.
