If you suspect your man is just a little too emotionally intimate with another woman, that feels terrible. It’s threatening because emotional intimacy was a big part of how you two fell in love to begin with. So it could signal that he’s falling for someone else. And that’s scary because it’s not what you agreed to, and it’s not right.
You shouldn’t have to feel afraid that some other woman is having the connection with him emotionally that you want to have or that she might have bigger plans for his future.
But where’s the line on emotional cheating? If he is over the line or headed there, then should you confront him and make him admit that he is cheating emotionally?
Of course, you want to wake him up and make him realize that he’s not honoring his vows to you, so he’ll go back to being emotionally intimate with you and only you before it’s too late. You want him to blow her off. Like he should.
But what if he’s not over the line? What if he’s just friends with a woman and there’s no harm in it?
Here are some questions that can help you find peace and restore your own sense of safety about your husband’s emotional connections.
1. What Would You Have That You Don’t Have Now if Your Husband Weren’t Cheating Emotionally?
Imagine that your man voluntarily removed himself from the emotional cheating situation completely. She’s out of his life. Phew! Isn’t that a relief?
Now what do you have that you didn’t have before? How is your life better?
Maybe you feel more secure. Maybe you feel more special. Maybe you get more of his time and attention because he’s having more intimate conversations with you now that he’s not having any with someone else.
Your life is so much better because she’s out of the picture, right?
But is it really?
Here’s what I mean,.
This isn’t the same as emotional cheating at all, but at my house, my husband watched a lot of TV. And it upset me greatly because, first of all, I thought it was bad for him and he shouldn’t be rotting his brain, and also because the TV was robbing me of a lot of time together. So I had a fantasy about getting rid of the TV. I just knew that my life would be so much better if it were gone, because then he couldn’t watch it so much.
But now that I’ve been practicing the Intimacy Skills for a couple of decades, I realize the TV wasn’t the problem. We have an even bigger TV with more channels now, but this isn’t an issue at our house. He doesn’t even watch much TV now. But if he did decide to, I’d be fine with it. I’d probably make him snacks. I’d see it as his self-care because the TV is not a threat to our relationship.
My focus on the TV robbing me of intimacy and connection with John was just an illusion.
“But Laura,” you might say, “Emotional cheating is so much different. There’s a woman he’s texting and laughing with and sharing with. Your husband was never going to leave you to be with his TV.”
And I get that. That’s scary. You can certainly make a case that his confiding in another woman is dangerous, and you need to do something about it ASAP.
Which brings me to the next question to ask yourself.
2. How Is the Emotional Safety at Your House?
Emotional safety is when you can admit a big mistake you made and not feel judged or blamed. It’s where you know that no matter what you say, the listener is on your side and sees you as the hero in the story, not the bad guy or the village idiot. Every human craves that because we all want to feel seen, heard, and understood.
One way to tell if it’s emotionally safe at your house is that there’s laughter and playfulness. Like when John locks me out in the backyard just so he can look through the sliding door and say “Ha ha ha!” And I say, “Grow up, John!” So immature and silly.
But what if there’s no emotional safety at your house? What if you feel defensive or scared, or he does? What if it’s tense and uncomfortable because you feel he’s cheating on you emotionally? What about that?
In my experience, you have a lot of power to restore emotional safety single-handedly by expecting the best from him, not the worst. By seeing him as a trustworthy guy, not someone you’d better spy on to make sure he hasn’t crossed the line or someone you need to explain emotional cheating to.
You might worry that acting like you trust him when you have plenty of evidence that you can’t is leaving reality, which would just make you a fool.
But it’s amazing how people live up to your expectations for them. If you focus on how he’s cheating emotionally, there’s a subtext that he’s already betrayed you or plans to betray you, and he knows that.
What if you went back to seeing him as the good guy? How might that restore emotional safety? And how might having lots of emotional safety make you feel safe and special, like you want?
3. What’s Happening on Your Paper?
One big mistake I was making when I was obsessing over John’s TV watching was neglecting my own life. Part of the reason I was so desperate for him to change so I could be happy was that I wasn’t making myself happy. So I was bored, tired, and overworked. That was dreary.
At first, I didn’t even know what would make me happy. Except for him to pay more attention to me and stop watching so much TV, which he wouldn’t do, and now I can see why. That’s what I thought was wrong. But really, I wasn’t letting myself have so many things, like volleyball. Or creative self-expression in writing, which I also love. Or girl talk, sushi, and so many other things.
My life was going by, and no one was tending to it.
So I was cranky. I was a prickly porcupine wife he didn’t want to hurt but didn’t want to get too close to either out of self-preservation. Then I got happier, which made me safer for him to be around, and now he wants to connect with me all day every day. And he connects with other people too, just like I do.
So it might be interesting to check on your paper, where you have all the power to decide how you spend your time, when you go to bed, how much work you do, and the words you use.
If you dedicated yourself to your happiness, what would you be doing today that you haven’t been doing? And once you’re feeling ridiculously happy, how would you show up differently today?
When I’m filled up, relaxed, and happy, I can see through the illusion that if someone else changes it will make me happy. I don’t like to waste my energy or hurt the intimacy trying to control something I can’t control, like his other relationships.
And funny thing, when I stop trying to control, I get such a better response from my husband. That’s when I can most clearly see that while he’s not a perfect man, he’s perfect for me.
What’s one thing you’ll do today to feel more peaceful and restore safety?
By Laura Doyle
